Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize