I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
