i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
