1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
