I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
