Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
