I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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