She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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