yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
