so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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