Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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