I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
