would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I need to sanitize my soul.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
