I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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