i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
