i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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