i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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