Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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