So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
