I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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