non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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