u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
