How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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