He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
