Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
