i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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