That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
