You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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