he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
