i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
