So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
