saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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