I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
