My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
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