maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
