he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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