I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize