my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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