We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
