So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
