My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
