Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
