i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
