he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
