i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
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