i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
