Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
