Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
