He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
