You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
