I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
