hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
