when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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