Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize