Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
