Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
