A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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