I am full of burrito and curiosity
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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