Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
