it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
